In the home towns of my youth, Australian Rules football was and still is king. In fact we just called it football as soccer was virtually unknown until the great European immigration of the 1950's, rugby league was a curious game played in Sydney, and rugby union was the code of private school boys. American football (gridiron?) existed only in Peanuts comics where Lucy continually snatched the ball away from a hapless Charlie Brown. We never really understood that...

In Melbourne, Perth, and Adelaide Australian Rules was truly a code of the people - a place where you would turn up in the blustery "outer" to cheer on your favourite team, four and twenty pie with tomato sauce in one hand, a chico roll in the other, sitting atop an esky full of freezing cold tinnies of Victoria Bitter, Swan Lager, or Emu Bitter. Standing or sitting next to you on one side may be a Professor of Economics for the university, on the other side a brickies labourer, a public service clerk, or your local priest.

Yet soccer (yes I refuse after all these years to call it "football") is the only truly international football code. It also seems the most contemptuous of global economic power, with Latin American and now African teams being represented in numbers far beyond their economic power or financial wealth. In fact Brazil, home of the most famous soccer player Pele is still regarded as the most famous team in terms of history and pedigree at the very least.

In soccer-mad Thailand it is almost impossible to ignore soccer mania. As in all of Asia, world cup soccer matches are screened in the afternoon and early evenings, making this month a problem for bosses, with a marked increase in sick leave, grandmother's funerals, and deaths of buffaloes. In fact several employees's grandmothers have already been reported as dying two or three times this month.

Yesterday was election day for Bangkok local elections. Given that authorities want to make sure that the locals vote at least intelligently given that the candidates are mainly buffons, the common practice is to close the bars and ban alcohol for the day. Bangkok was a dry old town again yesterday, but the turn out was very poor. This time not because the Bangkok populace understandably prefer a few snorts of Mekong to Bangkok pollies but because they actually preferred to watch Senegal and Sweden on the idiot box. Those who could pull themselves away from the telly actually delivered a bit of a blow to the ruling Thai Rak Thai party candidates and preferred the good old Democrats ...suggesting that local soccer matches may be a great place for PM Thaksin Shinawatra to place his advertising spin in the next elections.

I have to admit to viewing a few of these matches, in venues ranging from 5 star hotel lounges, outside beer bars, yuppie bars, expat bars, not to mention blinky black and white tellies outside local Laos food restaurants surrounded by scores of freeloaders standing on the footpath many of which are imbibing in the local Mekong or Siang Thip whisky from small bottles. No need to actually watch the tellie to know when a goal has been scored - that event is well and truly advertised by cheers from all directions as you wander down the soi.

Expats have been whinging about the Thai tellie coverage of the matches. Indeed the background crowd noises are barely discernible above the Thai commentary, resulting in a loss of atmosphere if you are not watching from a crowded bar. There is no permanent time clock, and scores are only posted on the screen every 15 minutes or so. Some places however like "The Office" in Soi 33 Sukhumvit have somehow wangled the Malaysian broadcast, appeasing at least the English speakers amongst the expat crowd. (59 Baht for Carlsberg draught, but other than that commendable competitive advantage just another clean modern souless yuppie expat bar - give me the Laos food cafe with the black and white tellie anyday)

Here in Thailand, most Bangkok based Thais at least seem to follow the European teams, and I guess in Malaysia the locals there are mostly supporting England, due to Manchester United's curious branding campaigns in that country for the past few years. Still there seems to be good support for Japan and South Korea as well.

Several other points of note:

It seems to be di-rigeur to have a coach of a different ethnic group to the players. African team Cameroon for example sports a coach that looks for all the world like crazed German actor Klaus Kinsky. I find it impossible to look at him without my mind being transported instantly to Amazonian jungle and river scenes as Fitzcarraldo or Aguirre fight to their mental breakdown against the Wrath of God. (Close my eyes and I can even see a busty Claudia Cardinale being chased through Russian castles by horny aristocrats but I digress...). Germany's coach just looks plain confused, Senegal's coach looks like any French leading actor with a christian name of Francious, and Spain's coach looks like Billy Bunter.

Given that their coaches often look like European cinema celebrities, World Cup Football/Soccer players seem to have the finest acting skills in any international sport world wide, save for World Wide Federation (WWF) Wrestling. It seems that if someone trips you up, you get a free kick, - therefore when anybody gets anywhere close to your feet, a good option is to take a dive to the turf clutching your legs in agony. With luck your opponent will be given a yellow card, or maybe even a red card and ejected from the field. In fact in one match viewed from one of our favourite watering holes - Monet in Soi 33 Sukhumvit, (don't worry beers are only 80 Baht there during happy hour time, compared to 160 Baht after 9 pm when the real posers turn up) - the referee seemed to be working full time with those yellow and red cards.

Fair suck of the friggin' saveloy...

In most matches more goals seem to be scored from free kicks than real fair-dinkum attacking forays, and in the last game (Spain vs. Ireland) after 2 hours resulting in a draw the whole game came down to one guy standing a few yards in front of goal, taking turns at blasting the ball into the net or the full back (um sorry....goalkeeper).

Apart from play-acting and other thespian skills, cheating also seems to be popular. As in business I guess, if you wanna succeed, you gotta cheat. Brazil's coach attributed China's early elimination from the World Cup to their low level of fouls. It makes complete sense, said the coach of the world's most famous soccer team, that if the other team looks like they are going to score a goal, you should opt for giving away a free kick rather than letting them complete their attack. China was naive, he said, and as they gain experience they will learn that to succeed you gotta cheat (not quite his own words, but bang-on in the translation).

OK call me jingositic, an anti-internationalist and chauvinistic, but give me Aussie Rules any time when wherever you see a guy writhing in pain on the ground he is fair dinkum crook. These guys seem great at crafty footwork and cunning stunts, but among them are a high percentage of plain old drop-kicks...

To these players whose strategy is cheating and acting, we hope all your chickens turn into emus and kick your dunny down.