An Expatriate's Diary A monthly column from a Malaysian expatriate in San Francisco

Five to two in the morning... a thunder storm is brewing outside, I guess the infamous El Nino is finally descending upon us... it's about time, I am just sick and tired of hearing about it. Ever feel like you are in a picture and time freezes for that faithful second?...

Dear diary:

That was exactly how I felt these past weeks. (And please do not remind me that I canot go back in time to write about December of 1997 because this is my diary and I can do just about anything and everything I want - Hmmm.... you can tell I am in a real good mood. Actually, I am really not in a bad mood. Confused, maybe.

Mom and dad spent Christmas with me (Yes - Christmas of 1997, which was about two months ago) and for a whole three weeks, I was home. I woke up every morning smelling the intoxicating scent of coffee brewing. (The best part was I didn't even have to stumble through the counter looking for the coffee filter). Quietly, I observed as mom stood by the stove making eggs and toasts and dad poured over the newspaper. My dad doesn't understand English but he was absolutely fascinated by the coupons that come with the paper). And it was only six in the morning!! That is my parents' routine and for years, it was mine too. There is no way of talking yourself out of eating breakfast when mom is around. A habit which I have completely forgotten during the past years living here in the U.S. I took one look at the plate in front of me and immediately formulated a plan to get rid of the kilograms I was about to acquire. But for the time being, there is no way I was about to skip mom's cooking. Some of the dishes she made were so unique and homey you just canot get them in the Chinatown of the world. And of course during the three weeks they were here, my closet was re-arranged, time and again. I have brand new gardens now, both in the front and back of the house. They most certainly look more "Oriental" than before. And don't forget that my neighbors know a lot more about me now than I would like, thanks to mom. She also gave me a list of single and "available" girls in the neighborhood. How did she manage to do that in a short three weeks is way beyond my imagination. I firmly believe it is a skill all moms acquire before they become mothers.

I had fun taking them everywhere and intorducing them to my life here in California. Gardens, parks, my office, shopping malls, factory outlets - you name it - we have been there and done that. I showed them my favorite restaurant in the neighborhood and the Chinese community that I visit when I crave for some home cooking. The time I enjoyed them the most, though, was when we were at home. For the first time I lived the saying of "Home is where the family is". We were not anywhere close to Malaysia and yet my house was warm, fuzzy and it felt like home. The food mom made was simple but I finished every bit of them like I will never eat again. Strange, isn't it? We are all adults, or at least that is how we want to be treated, but every now and then we lapse into the little kid syndrome and we just want to be pampered and taken care of. For that split second, I reminded myself that this was what life is about - Family, love, gossips, food, mom, dad and more family gossips. Who cares about strategic management? And the global planning and international alliances of the world? Who gives the time and day of what kind of experience I have and will acquire and what I can do to improve the bottom line of the company? Well, I am sure this dilemma is not unique to only expatriates. There is a yearning in every single one of us to balance family life with our work lives. Some of us couldn't find enough work to feed the family and some of us couldn't find enough time to spend with our love ones because we have so much work to do. As for me, well, I was in a picture, remember? I was happily lost in the past three weeks of being home and strolling down memory lane.

And then January 1998 turned the corner. Mom and Dad (ever question why so many of us say "mom and dad" instead of "dad and mom"? Could it be the compromise we made to our moms for carrying us around for nine months?) left for home (the real one) and as soon as I hit the office after three weeks of vacation, I was off the ground and running. Fiscal planning, budget revisiting, efficiency and effectiveness programming, cost reduction policy, sounds familiar? I got sucked into another picture and time frame. There is no time to think about what is life's mission. Thank goodness I love my job and I have an excellent manager. I don't have to tell you all working folks out there how these two combinations can make working life seems extraordinarily normal and tolerable.

Things finally settled down a little. I looked around the house and gathered all the pictures (real 3 x 5 Kodak moment) into photo albums. And that is when it hits - dad and mom (the old man contributed to the nine month crisis too, okay?) have been away for almost three weeks now and I have fallen back into my old routine. No breakfast and lunch, a big dinner in front of the laptop, and no one to remind me that the bed needs to be made everyday. (Hold that thought for a second, someone is at the door.)

I am back. Mrs. Lew, my neighbour to the right, stopped by to give me a special dish her daughter made. Smells wonderful... I gave her mom's telephone number and maybe they two of them can start a long distance planning of my life. Nice lady though. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, my old routine. There is something to say about living alone eventhough sometimes I miss my family so much so that I wanted to just pack up and go home. At least there isn't this constant reminder of how old I am and it's about time to live a normal life. Well, pardon me and please allow me to pack away the past thirty something years of "pretending to be alive". But then, I do understand what they mean. A normal life to each and every one of us is the life we are living. Here and now! Anything out of that norm is abnormal. Like cousin X, who is 40 and still living with his parents. And niece Y who recently got divorced, she should have stayed home and not married that loser ex-husband of hers. Oh..oh don't forget nephew B who is still not dating at the "alarming" age of thirty five! There must be something wrong with him. Do you think he was traumatized by his dog when he was growing up or what? You get the picture?

Well, I apologize for mumbling and babbling away and especially for being away for so long. But then life is unpredictable and I am trying my best to live life one day at a time. I wish I had taken down every single moment of the past two months and listed every single events in the most minute detail, but I didn't. I am afraid that I might miss a smile or a sigh while I was busy writing things down. I am sure, looking back ten years from now, I would kick myself and wish I had taken the time to write down everything. Well, such is life.

Till the next time, sweet dreams my dear dairy..... January 1998, in San Francisco

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